Sunday, 9 July 2017

Uri - Where Have You Been?

Comrades - these last few months have been so busy I hardly know where to start!

I have been back to the Motherland where it all began and have just returned from Germany!

It all started with a dead letter drop, for those who are not skilled in the art of espionage a dead letter drop is a means of communications between agents and their masters without the need to actually meet.

I have several secret drops which I visit on a regular basis. They have been empty for a good while now, but recently I was reactivated and my life once more became very exciting.

In the old days we would use all sorts of places to leave messages, all pre planned and thought out, and some of us old school spies still use them. Yes, we are still about!

However, in this day and age it is far easier to use electronic means of communications.

Very simply we use an email address, both handler and spy have access to the same account. You compose an email and save it to draft. On no account would you send it. If you do then the powers who watch over us may well see it and take a closer look at your activity.

By leaving it in draft format, you can read and delete without it going through the web. It is that simple.

Anyway, I digress! So what have I been up-to?

I'm afraid Comrades, that is a State secret, but just when you expect to lead a quiet life you are suddenly thrust out into the light once more.

I must say it has been fun, Hamburg is an interesting city, full of surprises, some good, some not so good.

I managed to meet some very old friends and it has been good to catch up Vladimir, oh how we chuckled at the way the USA has elected a Гребаный идиот !!!!

It is a shame we could not spend longer together, our friendship goes back many years and is as strong now as it was back in the early days.

I may now return to refine the art of making bespoke "Beard Oil" for the more concerning Gentleman, who appreciates, fine wine, cigars, women and a beard that a bear would die for.

To order your beard oil please go to my website at www.cossackbeardoil.com where you will find a blend of oil to match your manliness!


Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Poisoning By A Spy - True Life Stories

There have been many public accounts of what we would class as "Classical" murders by suspects unknown or (Spys).

Whether the authorities would actually wish to catch a spy opens up a whole new dilemma!

As we have seen recently witnessed in Kuala Lumpur with Kim Jong-nam being killed by the deadly VX Nerve Agent.

Allegedly by two women who say they had been paid to do it as they thought it was a TV prank!

By the look on the women's faces, I suspect that this is true and they unwittingly carried out an assassination attack.

But what will happen now? A lengthy investigation where the people who would of put the women up to this, will be by now on another continent lapping up the sun and drinking cocktails.

Gone are the days of spy's slipping polonium-210 in to your tea cup, a much more civilised way of doing things I would say.



Instead we have a girl in a white sweat shirt with LOL emblazoned on the front rubbing her sweaty hands over your face! Very undignified of the "Spy World" I must say!

Rumour has it that North Korea are responsible, but who is to say that it was not another agency.

Think about it - Kim Jong-nam has in the past been critical of the Norths regime so would be a potential threat and if he were to be killed it would be logical to blame the current regime.

However, what if it was another agency? The assassination carried out to warn the North that they can get to anyone and potentially upset them enough to retaliate thus giving the West an excuse to deal with them?

There are many complicated scenarios to play out, not that we will ever see the true story.

Personally I preferred the poisoned tipped umbrella method. The tip of the umbrella was so made that it would pierce clothing and inject into the skin either ricin or mercury, either way a death would occur.



This could be done on a busy street during rush hour with plenty of people around. Nothing as so innocent as an umbrella!

This was done back in the 70's to Georgi Ivanov Markov who was a Bulgarian dissident writer. The attack happened as he waited for a bus on Waterloo Bridge in London. The assassin has never been indentified.

However fresh evidence suggests that it may of been Francesco Gullino, a Danish national of Italian origin. His cover was of an antiques dealer. Nothing has been proven so far.

For the record I was at this time in Berlin at a listening post, spending hours listening to BFBS radio picking up clues on troop movements!

So you see, nothing is ever as it seems, so many twists and turns, plots, counter plots, it's a game but with lives at risk at every turn.

Thankfully my time is now spent perfecting the perfect mix of oils rather than poisons for my infamous brand of oils - Cossack Beard Oil, they can be found by clicking www.cossackbeardoil.com

I hope you are brave enough to try them, I can assure you that I will not poison you!

Uri




Wednesday, 1 March 2017

Barber Shop Funny Stories - #1

This story is not me, but worthy enough to tell to you all.

As told by a patron at his local barbers:

(I'm the idiot in this one. I go to my local Post Office to renew my tax disc. This comes in the form of a round paper disc about four inches in diameter which slots into a holder on your windscreen. (Not used anymore). Having time before my next appointment I go to the barbers for a haircut. There is a queue, so I am thinking that I can cut out the license disc while I am waiting as I always end up tearing the disc and not the perforations....)

Me: "Excuse me, do you have some scissors here?"


If you have any funny stories you wish to tell, please drop me a line.....

Don't forget for all your beard oil requirements www.cossackbeardoil.com is the place to visit!

Friday, 24 February 2017

Ask Uri - How Do You Make Your Infamous Beard Oil?

I spent many a long day and night perfecting the ancient art of blending my own infamous beard oils, known today as "Cossack Beard Oil".

All my beard oils are hand blended, taking the finest oils and mixing them to create such wonderful aromas such as "Freshly Dug Grave", "Black Sea" and "Citrus Mask"

Each identifiable not only by name but by their own unique smell.

But let me tell you, it all took many years to perfect these blends. It's not just a case of sitting down at your kitchen table and mixing a  few oils together!



(Pre Beard)

First you have to choose which oils to use, there are many to choose from, each with their own unique properties. As base oils I use Jojoba oil and Hazelnut oil. These are known for their ability to smooth and moisturise your skin which is vitally important when growing a beard.




You have to ensure that the oils you use will help your facial follicles to shine like rays of light and to keep your skin healthy and moisturised. I use a number of different oils depending on the fragrance. Each are unique and when combined have many benefits to keeping your beard healthy.

Just look at this complex formula I have to adhere to, and this is for just one of the oils!



Then there is the testing! I use myself as the "Guinea Pig" my wife refuses to help after some lip balm I made for her once made her lips expand so much she could pick up plate glass windows by sucking on them. Mind you, the local glass company did hire her full time!

Then there is the bottling process - a simple affair one would say? Think again Comrades. It is a highly sophisticated operation!


Finally there is the distribution network, I prefer to use the old fashion methods, I find them cost effective and reliable.


So Comrades, making the infamous "Cossack Beard Oil" is not as easy as one thinks!

If you would like to try any of my oils, pop on over to my website at www.cossackbeardoil.com or click on any of the links throughout the post.


Where Did Your Perfect English Accent Come From Uri?

I learnt English as a young boy, my father liked to tune into the BBC World Service, highly illegal in those days and still possibly frowned up.

By the age of eight I was fluent in useless sentences such as "This is the BBC World Service - Here is the news" and "The Weather in London today will be hot and humid".

However, I could never get rid of my Russian accent, and this stayed with me for many years.

As I have said in a previous post, I had to spend some time away from the lime light and was posted to the back end of no where to a remote listening post high up in the Ural mountains. Miles from anywhere there was a great deal of time to devote to learning the perfect English accent.

The previous occupant of my listening post left some of his personal belongings behind, it would appear that he left in a hurry, possibly even in a body bag!

I have a sort of Cockney accent, which if you listen carefully can be traced back to my mentor and who I learnt a great deal from about the English way of life.

But, by a stroke of luck two things he left behind have been my saviour!

I had a small colour TV and a VHS video player, a luxury indeed, when you think that the average Russian would gain much amusement from watching dirty dish washer drain through the plug hole!

I only had four videos. The first was a training video issued by the KGB on how to interrogate. Boring, to say the least! I could of made a better one! I could also make a very good video on how to extract teeth but that is for another day!

The second was a video of Delia Smith, I am now fully capable of boiling an egg!

But, my two prized possessions, which I still have today and watch often with great fondness and where as I said earlier I learnt how to perfect the English Accent are "Mary Poppins" and "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang"!

Yes Comrades, my perfect English accent is all down to listening to Dick Van Dyke, he has total mastery of the language!

Friday, 17 February 2017

Ask Uri - Where Is The Oldest Barber Shop In The World?

The oldest Barber Shop in the world as confirmed by the Guinness Book Of Records in the year 2000 is right here in the UK and in old London Town!

Established in 1805 by William Francis Truefitt who styled himself as hairdresser to the Royal Court and received his first Royal Warrant from King George III.

In 1911, Edwin Hill set up his own barber shop on Old Bond Street and it was to this address that H.P. Truefitt (Williams nephew) moved in 1935 to create Truefitt and HIll.



You have to have a strong brand and loyal patronage to be still going 200 years later!




Saturday, 11 February 2017

The Story Of Sweeny Todd - Infamous Barber Of Old London Town

Believe it or not but Sweeny Todd is a fictional character. Shock - Horror!

I know that a lot of you believed that he was a real person, and to be honest there is some evidence to suggest otherwise.

However, he was created back in the Victorian times and was first heard of in the "Penny Dreadful" - "String Of Pearls"



The plot of the story was that Sweeny Todd would pull a lever on his barber chair tipping the customer down through a trap door and into the cellar below, breaking his neck on impact.

Sweeny would then go down and to ensure the customer was dead would slit his throat with a cut throat razor.

To dispose of the bodies, he had as an accomplice a Mrs Lovett, who ran the local Pie Shop.

Here she would dismember the body and use the body parts to fill her pies!

Apparently some of the best pies in London!

Bringing things up to date some what - In Cockney Rhyming Slang - "Sweeny Todd" is used as slang for the Metropolitan Police Department called the "Flying Squad"

Hence the 1970's successful TV Police drama The Sweeny!






Tuesday, 7 February 2017

Ask Uri - My Beard Is Very Slow Growing Will It Ever Grow?

How slow is slow? Some people take a while for their beards to grow and others have the natural ability to grow one over night.

However, there is one simple test you must perform if you are having trouble with growing your beard.

Here is what you must do:-

1. Put your hands between your legs.

2. If you cannot find anything I would suggest your a woman pretending to be a man, buy some dungarees and change your name to Kevin.

3. If you feel two balls in a hairy sack then your in with a good chance of growing one.

Once you have ascertained your manliness, it just takes time.




As your beard grows you will need to apply liberal amounts of Cossack Beard Oil which can be found by looking at my website at www.cossackbeardoil.com

Stay bearded you magnificent bastards!



Sunday, 5 February 2017

Ask Uri - If I Shave My Beard Off Will It Grow Back Thicker?

Shaving your beard off to see if it grows back thicker is the sort of dumb ass thing that could get you into a whole heap of trouble.

You see, people have all ready got use to you with a manly beard, then you go and shave it off and all of a sudden you become a woman!

There is no scientific evidence that suggests that this would work either, so rest assured, throw all your razors away - NOW!

Having a beard is a most manly thing to have, the thought of wanting to shave it off, even if it is to see if it grows back thicker is a sure sign that having a beard is not for you.

Head to the nearest department store, and start browsing through the women's dress section to find a little number which will suit you and your feminine clean shaven look.

Even if it did grow back thicker, having to shave a beard off is on the verge of being a criminal offence in my book!




So there you have it - Ask Uri any question and he will give you a straight forward no nonsense answer!

Don't forget to maintain your facial follicles by using liberal amounts of my infamous Cossack Beard Oil which can be found at my website www.cossackbeardoil.com 

Stay bearded you magnificent bastards!

P.S. If you have a question you would like to ask Uri, Please feel free to email me at uri@cossackbeardoil.com and I will tell you what you need to do.



Thursday, 2 February 2017

Ask Uri - How Do I Stop Beard Hair From Going In The Sink?

Last time you trimmed your beard, did you leave a mess in the bathroom sink?

I expect you did and I expect that you got it in the neck from your other half!

So how do we solve this problem?

Quite simple in my homeland we - Kick them out!

OK - maybe a bit drastic, and maybe you do not want to be that extreme, so how about an ingenious idea such as the "Shave Apron".

A great idea, simply attach it around your neck, then with the two suction cups attached to the apron, simply stick it to your mirror.

No more hair clogging up your sink, no more hair to have to wash and wipe away!

Best of all, no more nagging from your other half!

Just don't forget to take if off before walking away!



Monday, 30 January 2017

Ask Uri - What Is A Silent Killer? Carbon Monoxide And Assassin's?

A silent killer is a manifestation that unbeknown to you, silently and without warning, creeps up and kills you without you even realising you were in danger!

Let's deal with the first one Carbon Monoxide.

Carbon Monoxide is a highly poisonous gas, not only can it cause death but also serious long term health problems such as brain damage.

Carbon Monoxide is produced by the incomplete burning of fuel. This can happen when a gas appliance has been incorrectly fitted, badly repaired or poorly maintained. It can also occur if flues, chimneys or vents are blocked.

Oil and solid fuels such as coal, wood, petrol and oil can also produce Carbon Monoxide.

Poisoning occurs when you breathe in the gas and it replaces oxygen in your bloodstream, without oxygen your body tissue and cells die.

So it really is very simple - Buy a Carbon Monoxide Detector and fit it - NOW



Now the other type of silent killer is an Assassin.


Generally they are unassuming, you would not be able to spot one if they came up and poked you in the eye. They blend in, act regular, giving nothing away.

There methods of putting you to sleep vary, but the one thing that is common is you will never know anything about it.

An Assassin, may have a very ordinary job, such as driving a bus, he may not look like the films portray these days, always dressed in black and hanging out in seedy pubs hiding behind a paper. No, he could be the fat jolly fellow with a beard who said good morning to you today!

So be aware, just like Carbon Monoxide they are just as deadly, give no warnings and leave no sign of a struggle.

My best advice would be to stay clear of fat men with beards and buy a detector like the one above.

You have been warned!


Saturday, 28 January 2017

Ask Uri - How Can I Make My Beard Grow Faster?

A question asked often by those who are struggling to grow a beard.

There are many claims that by using certain lotions and potions you can speed up the process of beard growth.

I have to be honest with you all now, they are all rubbish, you may as well sit under a tree and pray to the Lord Almighty for what little good it will do you

However, there are things that you can do to make yourself become more manly and in doing so your beard will grow just fine.



1. You must be a man, and not just in the sense that you have balls! 

2. You must learn how to wrestle bears and be friends with them afterwards.

3. You must learn how to drink vodka, shoot a gun, whilst riding a motorcycle and sidecar.

4. To be able to stand on your own two feet when every one else is trying to step on yours.

5. You must show compassion, but no mercy to those who do you wrong.

6. Never hold a grudge! Get even.

7. Eat as if it is your last meal - You never know it may well be.

8. Keep your feet dry at all times.

9. Make your enemies your friends and your friends fearful.

10. Never shave!

By following the above code your beard will grow magnificently and you will be the envy of your town.




Bearded brothers - stay bearded! 

Sunday, 22 January 2017

To Beard Or Not To Beard

What is a beard?

A beard can be many things to many people. You can hide behind a beard or your can use your beard as a statement much like a peacock!



It can wreck havoc with peoples minds, some love a beard, whilst others shy away and actually have a phobia about them, commonly known as pogonophobia!

In some countries a beard is a cultural symbol, gaining the wearer authority, dominance and respect.




In the Western world and in modern times it is seen mainly as a fashion statement worn by hipsters who like to think they are cool eating lasagna from a bed pan whilst perched on a stool with the table at knee height! 




Or like myself who views simply having a beard as a manly thing to have.

My beard does not define who I am, rather it defines who I am not!
A majestic beard instantly commands respect, it also gives oneself a sense of worth. Not everyone can grow a beard.

Many attempt and fail dismally, some men are just not cut out for it at all. There are some spectacular fails around. In fact there are women around with better beards than some men.

A beard is an extension of you, it says a lot about who you are as a person.

But, your beard is only as good as the man behind it - Your beard requires maintenance, not a lot, but nevertheless it requires nourishment.

What better way than with one of three blends of oil, hand crafted by myself - Uri, Master Monger of Beard Oils.

Pop along to www.cossackbeardoil.com to choose your poison!










Monday, 16 January 2017

Having A Beard Is A Very Handy Thing To Have!

Having travelled the world many times over in my old job as a KGB secret agent, it was always a good job to blend in with the locals.

A beard is a great way to change your appearance, it can alter the shape of your face depending on whether you have a full on bushy beard or a neatly trimmed slimline one.

Here I am after spending some time in Beijing.



As you can see I take it very seriously, the art of blending in with one's surroundings is a must, to be a top secret agent!

I knew from an early age that I would always have a beard, it just seemed the natural thing to have!



So it was destiny that I joined the KGB and started my secret life. Having to blend in was always a challenge. But, as time went on I found it became second nature.  I became a master of disguise.

Here I am after spending some time in Cuba with some of my comrades.


I enjoyed Cuba. Rum is not as good as Vodka, but when in Rome!

Which reminds me - Italy, the hot house of fashion and football. Here I played for a while, I used it as an excuse to keep myself fit and healthy.


Over the years my beard has developed, as has my bone structure and body shape. Looking at me today you would never guess my past.

I miss the old days, so many stories to tell, maybe I will enlighten you all on here - who knows!

One thing is for sure - my legacy continues.............

For further information on my fabulous beard oils trot on over to www.cossackbeardoil.com 

Wednesday, 11 January 2017

Why Do You Grow A Beard?

I'm often asked - Why did you start growing a beard?

There are many reasons why - Here are just a few.


  1. I always wanted to grow a beard.
  2. I wanted to see how I would look with a beard.
  3. I look more handsome with a beard.
  4. I hate to shave.
  5. I like to look at my beard in a mirror.
However, that is all total bollocks!

I simply had no choice. Having to lay low after a botched job where my security was compromised meant I was posted to a listening station high up in the Russian Tundra.

The nearest town was 220 miles away, where you could only buy fuel, seal blubber and an endless supply of tin buckets. Shaving was not high on anyone's list of priorities.

However, having a beard did have it's advantages.

Firstly during the summer it was excellent for keeping the midges away from your skin. They can be pesky blighters and a thick beard certainly made them work hard for your blood!

Secondly during the winter it was fantastic insulation, at -35 you need all the insulation you can get I can tell you!

Thirdly, it is amazing what a beard can do, it is brilliant for storage, I have found peas, peanuts, a small allen key and watchmakers screwdriver in mine!

Finally, having a beard gave me something to do. Listening to white static noise and the Archers is hardly riveting.



So it was here that I developed my first range of beard oils.

I spent many hours perfecting the right smells and ingredients.

I did make one serious mistake - There is no where any where that tells you that the smell of Rosewood, Pine, Musk and Jojoba oil is similar to the smell of a hormonal female moose.

Thankfully the door to my cabin was narrow and the male moose had a mighty fine and wide set of antlers!

It was a tricky business I can tell you!

So having had a beard for some time now would I ever shave it off? 

No - never, it has defined who I now am, whilst some men build a legacy, I decided to grow mine.

For more information on my range of beard oils click here - www.cossackbeardoil.com 


Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Website Launch Of Cossack Beard Oil

It's taken a bit of doing, but we have finally got there!

The website is now up and running with all the links checked out, a few teething problems along the way, but it has all worked out fine so far.

The site finally went live this morning, no fanfares or caviar, just sat in a cold room due to the boiler breaking down last night at 4am!

At least the cold reminds me of Mother Russia, now that was cold! -38 with the wolves howling at night!

My wood burner would glow red hot at night, but with the bear skins thrown over my bed I was as warm as a rabbit in a stew! Is that not how you say it in the UK?

I miss those simple days, nostalgia is a wonderful thing, but it is a thing of the past, you cannot recreate it.

So onwards Comrades - the fight to enlighten all those who grow a beard has just begun.

We need to tell all those beardy folk how to nourish, care and handle one's finest asset.

With this blog and my infamous range of beard oils of "Freshly Dug Grave", "Black Sea" and "Citrus Mask" we can bring life to your beard where once I only brought death!

How times have changed!!

Some men build a legacy - I decided to grow mine.



Monday, 2 January 2017

Happy New Year - Website About To Go Live!

Well, its 2017 and some serious changes are about to happen!

It's taken a while but at last the finishing touches are being made to the website and it will be launched within the next 24hrs!

Here you will be able to buy my fabulous range of beard oils, "Freshly Dug Grave", "Black Sea", and of course "Citrus Mask".

Each identifiable and unique.

Whilst there are plenty of beard oil companies to choose from, most if not all appear to have the same recipe of pine or eucalyptus!

Neither of these are what a man should smell of unless he has a cold or is a squirrel!

May your 2017 be as wonderful as I expect mine to be!

Some men build a legacy - I decided to grow mine!