Friday, 24 February 2017

Ask Uri - How Do You Make Your Infamous Beard Oil?

I spent many a long day and night perfecting the ancient art of blending my own infamous beard oils, known today as "Cossack Beard Oil".

All my beard oils are hand blended, taking the finest oils and mixing them to create such wonderful aromas such as "Freshly Dug Grave", "Black Sea" and "Citrus Mask"

Each identifiable not only by name but by their own unique smell.

But let me tell you, it all took many years to perfect these blends. It's not just a case of sitting down at your kitchen table and mixing a  few oils together!

(Pre Beard)

First you have to choose which oils to use, there are many to choose from, each with their own unique properties. As base oils I use Jojoba oil and Hazelnut oil. These are known for their ability to smooth and moisturise your skin which is vitally important when growing a beard.

You have to ensure that the oils you use will help your facial follicles to shine like rays of light and to keep your skin healthy and moisturised. I use a number of different oils depending on the fragrance. Each are unique and when combined have many benefits to keeping your beard healthy.

Just look at this complex formula I have to adhere to, and this is for just one of the oils!

Then there is the testing! I use myself as the "Guinea Pig" my wife refuses to help after some lip balm I made for her once made her lips expand so much she could pick up plate glass windows by sucking on them. Mind you, the local glass company did hire her full time!

Then there is the bottling process - a simple affair one would say? Think again Comrades. It is a highly sophisticated operation!

Finally there is the distribution network, I prefer to use the old fashion methods, I find them cost effective and reliable.

So Comrades, making the infamous "Cossack Beard Oil" is not as easy as one thinks!

If you would like to try any of my oils, pop on over to my website at or click on any of the links throughout the post.

Where Did Your Perfect English Accent Come From Uri?

I learnt English as a young boy, my father liked to tune into the BBC World Service, highly illegal in those days and still possibly frowned up.

By the age of eight I was fluent in useless sentences such as "This is the BBC World Service - Here is the news" and "The Weather in London today will be hot and humid".

However, I could never get rid of my Russian accent, and this stayed with me for many years.

As I have said in a previous post, I had to spend some time away from the lime light and was posted to the back end of no where to a remote listening post high up in the Ural mountains. Miles from anywhere there was a great deal of time to devote to learning the perfect English accent.

The previous occupant of my listening post left some of his personal belongings behind, it would appear that he left in a hurry, possibly even in a body bag!

I have a sort of Cockney accent, which if you listen carefully can be traced back to my mentor and who I learnt a great deal from about the English way of life.

But, by a stroke of luck two things he left behind have been my saviour!

I had a small colour TV and a VHS video player, a luxury indeed, when you think that the average Russian would gain much amusement from watching dirty dish washer drain through the plug hole!

I only had four videos. The first was a training video issued by the KGB on how to interrogate. Boring, to say the least! I could of made a better one! I could also make a very good video on how to extract teeth but that is for another day!

The second was a video of Delia Smith, I am now fully capable of boiling an egg!

But, my two prized possessions, which I still have today and watch often with great fondness and where as I said earlier I learnt how to perfect the English Accent are "Mary Poppins" and "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang"!

Yes Comrades, my perfect English accent is all down to listening to Dick Van Dyke, he has total mastery of the language!

Friday, 17 February 2017

Ask Uri - Where Is The Oldest Barber Shop In The World?

The oldest Barber Shop in the world as confirmed by the Guinness Book Of Records in the year 2000 is right here in the UK and in old London Town!

Established in 1805 by William Francis Truefitt who styled himself as hairdresser to the Royal Court and received his first Royal Warrant from King George III.

In 1911, Edwin Hill set up his own barber shop on Old Bond Street and it was to this address that H.P. Truefitt (Williams nephew) moved in 1935 to create Truefitt and HIll.

You have to have a strong brand and loyal patronage to be still going 200 years later!

Saturday, 11 February 2017

The Story Of Sweeny Todd - Infamous Barber Of Old London Town

Believe it or not but Sweeny Todd is a fictional character. Shock - Horror!

I know that a lot of you believed that he was a real person, and to be honest there is some evidence to suggest otherwise.

However, he was created back in the Victorian times and was first heard of in the "Penny Dreadful" - "String Of Pearls"

The plot of the story was that Sweeny Todd would pull a lever on his barber chair tipping the customer down through a trap door and into the cellar below, breaking his neck on impact.

Sweeny would then go down and to ensure the customer was dead would slit his throat with a cut throat razor.

To dispose of the bodies, he had as an accomplice a Mrs Lovett, who ran the local Pie Shop.

Here she would dismember the body and use the body parts to fill her pies!

Apparently some of the best pies in London!

Bringing things up to date some what - In Cockney Rhyming Slang - "Sweeny Todd" is used as slang for the Metropolitan Police Department called the "Flying Squad"

Hence the 1970's successful TV Police drama The Sweeny!

Tuesday, 7 February 2017

Ask Uri - My Beard Is Very Slow Growing Will It Ever Grow?

How slow is slow? Some people take a while for their beards to grow and others have the natural ability to grow one over night.

However, there is one simple test you must perform if you are having trouble with growing your beard.

Here is what you must do:-

1. Put your hands between your legs.

2. If you cannot find anything I would suggest your a woman pretending to be a man, buy some dungarees and change your name to Kevin.

3. If you feel two balls in a hairy sack then your in with a good chance of growing one.

Once you have ascertained your manliness, it just takes time.

As your beard grows you will need to apply liberal amounts of Cossack Beard Oil which can be found by looking at my website at

Stay bearded you magnificent bastards!

Sunday, 5 February 2017

Ask Uri - If I Shave My Beard Off Will It Grow Back Thicker?

Shaving your beard off to see if it grows back thicker is the sort of dumb ass thing that could get you into a whole heap of trouble.

You see, people have all ready got use to you with a manly beard, then you go and shave it off and all of a sudden you become a woman!

There is no scientific evidence that suggests that this would work either, so rest assured, throw all your razors away - NOW!

Having a beard is a most manly thing to have, the thought of wanting to shave it off, even if it is to see if it grows back thicker is a sure sign that having a beard is not for you.

Head to the nearest department store, and start browsing through the women's dress section to find a little number which will suit you and your feminine clean shaven look.

Even if it did grow back thicker, having to shave a beard off is on the verge of being a criminal offence in my book!

So there you have it - Ask Uri any question and he will give you a straight forward no nonsense answer!

Don't forget to maintain your facial follicles by using liberal amounts of my infamous Cossack Beard Oil which can be found at my website 

Stay bearded you magnificent bastards!

P.S. If you have a question you would like to ask Uri, Please feel free to email me at and I will tell you what you need to do.

Thursday, 2 February 2017

Ask Uri - How Do I Stop Beard Hair From Going In The Sink?

Last time you trimmed your beard, did you leave a mess in the bathroom sink?

I expect you did and I expect that you got it in the neck from your other half!

So how do we solve this problem?

Quite simple in my homeland we - Kick them out!

OK - maybe a bit drastic, and maybe you do not want to be that extreme, so how about an ingenious idea such as the "Shave Apron".

A great idea, simply attach it around your neck, then with the two suction cups attached to the apron, simply stick it to your mirror.

No more hair clogging up your sink, no more hair to have to wash and wipe away!

Best of all, no more nagging from your other half!

Just don't forget to take if off before walking away!