Friday, 22 December 2017

Uri Is Back - It Has Been A Roller Coaster!

I'm afraid these last few months I have been rather busy enjoying my old life once more!

I was called back to active service on account that my time spent hiding away for many years spent in learning new trades.

One trade is as you know, the highly successful and I must say the trade I'm rather proud of, Cossack Beard Oil.

The other is my understanding of the internet and all things related.

The Russians are often blamed for hacking and causing problems with the West when it comes to infiltrating and misinformation.

Of course I cannot divulge information, but needless to say I have been having fun and it sure beats walking around with a poison tipped umbrella on the Underground.

Once I nearly got the wrong person when right at the last moment a youth with his baseball cap over his ears and his jeans at half mast sped by me on his skateboard and knocked the umbrella into the direct line of fire into an unknown at the time city gent.

This Gentleman was none other than Nigel Farage - Euro Politician. Some would say that I would of been doing the country a favour by getting the wrong person. However as he has caused much civil unrest with his Brexit ideas, he has ended up being a great asset to us in the East!

Back in the Motherland, we have been laughing at how the West has coped with a man with a dodgy hair cut and bad judgement.

You wonder how he is still in power? There is a simple reason for this, and that is because we allow it to be so!

Never underestimate the might of the bear, his cunning and his fearlessness.

I am having some time off over Christmas, where I will be feasting and enjoying some down time.

I will be venturing over to Holland, after spending so long in the mountains I like the flatness of the place! It also means I cycle without getting out of breath.

I have passed the 50 years of age mark and am starting to slow down, although you would have to be mighty sharp to catch me out. Old habits die hard.

So have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year - See you all on the other side!

Sunday, 9 July 2017

Uri - Where Have You Been?

Comrades - these last few months have been so busy I hardly know where to start!

I have been back to the Motherland where it all began and have just returned from Germany!

It all started with a dead letter drop, for those who are not skilled in the art of espionage a dead letter drop is a means of communications between agents and their masters without the need to actually meet.

I have several secret drops which I visit on a regular basis. They have been empty for a good while now, but recently I was reactivated and my life once more became very exciting.

In the old days we would use all sorts of places to leave messages, all pre planned and thought out, and some of us old school spies still use them. Yes, we are still about!

However, in this day and age it is far easier to use electronic means of communications.

Very simply we use an email address, both handler and spy have access to the same account. You compose an email and save it to draft. On no account would you send it. If you do then the powers who watch over us may well see it and take a closer look at your activity.

By leaving it in draft format, you can read and delete without it going through the web. It is that simple.

Anyway, I digress! So what have I been up-to?

I'm afraid Comrades, that is a State secret, but just when you expect to lead a quiet life you are suddenly thrust out into the light once more.

I must say it has been fun, Hamburg is an interesting city, full of surprises, some good, some not so good.

I managed to meet some very old friends and it has been good to catch up Vladimir, oh how we chuckled at the way the USA has elected a Гребаный идиот !!!!

It is a shame we could not spend longer together, our friendship goes back many years and is as strong now as it was back in the early days.

I may now return to refine the art of making bespoke "Beard Oil" for the more concerning Gentleman, who appreciates, fine wine, cigars, women and a beard that a bear would die for.

To order your beard oil please go to my website at where you will find a blend of oil to match your manliness!

Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Poisoning By A Spy - True Life Stories

There have been many public accounts of what we would class as "Classical" murders by suspects unknown or (Spys).

Whether the authorities would actually wish to catch a spy opens up a whole new dilemma!

As we have seen recently witnessed in Kuala Lumpur with Kim Jong-nam being killed by the deadly VX Nerve Agent.

Allegedly by two women who say they had been paid to do it as they thought it was a TV prank!

By the look on the women's faces, I suspect that this is true and they unwittingly carried out an assassination attack.

But what will happen now? A lengthy investigation where the people who would of put the women up to this, will be by now on another continent lapping up the sun and drinking cocktails.

Gone are the days of spy's slipping polonium-210 in to your tea cup, a much more civilised way of doing things I would say.

Instead we have a girl in a white sweat shirt with LOL emblazoned on the front rubbing her sweaty hands over your face! Very undignified of the "Spy World" I must say!

Rumour has it that North Korea are responsible, but who is to say that it was not another agency.

Think about it - Kim Jong-nam has in the past been critical of the Norths regime so would be a potential threat and if he were to be killed it would be logical to blame the current regime.

However, what if it was another agency? The assassination carried out to warn the North that they can get to anyone and potentially upset them enough to retaliate thus giving the West an excuse to deal with them?

There are many complicated scenarios to play out, not that we will ever see the true story.

Personally I preferred the poisoned tipped umbrella method. The tip of the umbrella was so made that it would pierce clothing and inject into the skin either ricin or mercury, either way a death would occur.

This could be done on a busy street during rush hour with plenty of people around. Nothing as so innocent as an umbrella!

This was done back in the 70's to Georgi Ivanov Markov who was a Bulgarian dissident writer. The attack happened as he waited for a bus on Waterloo Bridge in London. The assassin has never been indentified.

However fresh evidence suggests that it may of been Francesco Gullino, a Danish national of Italian origin. His cover was of an antiques dealer. Nothing has been proven so far.

For the record I was at this time in Berlin at a listening post, spending hours listening to BFBS radio picking up clues on troop movements!

So you see, nothing is ever as it seems, so many twists and turns, plots, counter plots, it's a game but with lives at risk at every turn.

Thankfully my time is now spent perfecting the perfect mix of oils rather than poisons for my infamous brand of oils - Cossack Beard Oil, they can be found by clicking

I hope you are brave enough to try them, I can assure you that I will not poison you!


Wednesday, 1 March 2017

Barber Shop Funny Stories - #1

This story is not me, but worthy enough to tell to you all.

As told by a patron at his local barbers:

(I'm the idiot in this one. I go to my local Post Office to renew my tax disc. This comes in the form of a round paper disc about four inches in diameter which slots into a holder on your windscreen. (Not used anymore). Having time before my next appointment I go to the barbers for a haircut. There is a queue, so I am thinking that I can cut out the license disc while I am waiting as I always end up tearing the disc and not the perforations....)

Me: "Excuse me, do you have some scissors here?"

If you have any funny stories you wish to tell, please drop me a line.....

Don't forget for all your beard oil requirements is the place to visit!

Friday, 24 February 2017

Ask Uri - How Do You Make Your Infamous Beard Oil?

I spent many a long day and night perfecting the ancient art of blending my own infamous beard oils, known today as "Cossack Beard Oil".

All my beard oils are hand blended, taking the finest oils and mixing them to create such wonderful aromas such as "Freshly Dug Grave", "Black Sea" and "Citrus Mask"

Each identifiable not only by name but by their own unique smell.

But let me tell you, it all took many years to perfect these blends. It's not just a case of sitting down at your kitchen table and mixing a  few oils together!

(Pre Beard)

First you have to choose which oils to use, there are many to choose from, each with their own unique properties. As base oils I use Jojoba oil and Hazelnut oil. These are known for their ability to smooth and moisturise your skin which is vitally important when growing a beard.

You have to ensure that the oils you use will help your facial follicles to shine like rays of light and to keep your skin healthy and moisturised. I use a number of different oils depending on the fragrance. Each are unique and when combined have many benefits to keeping your beard healthy.

Just look at this complex formula I have to adhere to, and this is for just one of the oils!

Then there is the testing! I use myself as the "Guinea Pig" my wife refuses to help after some lip balm I made for her once made her lips expand so much she could pick up plate glass windows by sucking on them. Mind you, the local glass company did hire her full time!

Then there is the bottling process - a simple affair one would say? Think again Comrades. It is a highly sophisticated operation!

Finally there is the distribution network, I prefer to use the old fashion methods, I find them cost effective and reliable.

So Comrades, making the infamous "Cossack Beard Oil" is not as easy as one thinks!

If you would like to try any of my oils, pop on over to my website at or click on any of the links throughout the post.

Where Did Your Perfect English Accent Come From Uri?

I learnt English as a young boy, my father liked to tune into the BBC World Service, highly illegal in those days and still possibly frowned up.

By the age of eight I was fluent in useless sentences such as "This is the BBC World Service - Here is the news" and "The Weather in London today will be hot and humid".

However, I could never get rid of my Russian accent, and this stayed with me for many years.

As I have said in a previous post, I had to spend some time away from the lime light and was posted to the back end of no where to a remote listening post high up in the Ural mountains. Miles from anywhere there was a great deal of time to devote to learning the perfect English accent.

The previous occupant of my listening post left some of his personal belongings behind, it would appear that he left in a hurry, possibly even in a body bag!

I have a sort of Cockney accent, which if you listen carefully can be traced back to my mentor and who I learnt a great deal from about the English way of life.

But, by a stroke of luck two things he left behind have been my saviour!

I had a small colour TV and a VHS video player, a luxury indeed, when you think that the average Russian would gain much amusement from watching dirty dish washer drain through the plug hole!

I only had four videos. The first was a training video issued by the KGB on how to interrogate. Boring, to say the least! I could of made a better one! I could also make a very good video on how to extract teeth but that is for another day!

The second was a video of Delia Smith, I am now fully capable of boiling an egg!

But, my two prized possessions, which I still have today and watch often with great fondness and where as I said earlier I learnt how to perfect the English Accent are "Mary Poppins" and "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang"!

Yes Comrades, my perfect English accent is all down to listening to Dick Van Dyke, he has total mastery of the language!

Friday, 17 February 2017

Ask Uri - Where Is The Oldest Barber Shop In The World?

The oldest Barber Shop in the world as confirmed by the Guinness Book Of Records in the year 2000 is right here in the UK and in old London Town!

Established in 1805 by William Francis Truefitt who styled himself as hairdresser to the Royal Court and received his first Royal Warrant from King George III.

In 1911, Edwin Hill set up his own barber shop on Old Bond Street and it was to this address that H.P. Truefitt (Williams nephew) moved in 1935 to create Truefitt and HIll.

You have to have a strong brand and loyal patronage to be still going 200 years later!